I'm Giving It Up

   So I'm sure the title of this post is a tad confusing, and  I'll assure you all that I'm not talking about taking my life, I'm just talking about giving up a part of it. 

   As you all know, I came out 7 months ago as Female to Male transgender. And I've been living as a male since, mostly happily. At times I have missed certain aspects of being a girl, but not enough to warrant staying one. I still hate my body and feel like I was born in the wrong one. I will always feel male on the inside, and I'm accepting what God gave me and staying female. (and yes, I did just say God. I've started going to church again and I'm opening up my mind to believing in him) 

    Here are my reasons for this. Yes, I do miss being a girl a lot, but not because it fit who I am more, but because it was easier. Dating wasn't so complicated, life wasn't so hard, getting ready to go out in public wasn't such a challenge. I didn't use to have to painfully bind my chest to feel comfortable going out. Being a girl I did hate myself, but in a way that I could still be content with life. And I'll never be truly happy, I'll never be able to afford surgery or healthcare that's nice enough to cover that. I'll never be able to transition fully. Though I have had an overwhelming amount of acceptance from my friends, my family (most of them) have chosen to ignore my transition, and won't accept it until I "have a dick" as I've been told. I can't live like that, feeling ignored for years while I wait to have the surgery I want. 

   So that's what I'm giving up, being transgender. I'll just go back to being the girl they choose to see me as. And I guess that's fine with me. I'd rather have my family around any day than push them away making a choice that only makes me happy. 

   -Beck Howard Jenkins aka Rebecca Lynn Jenkins

P. s. I will still one day legally change my middle name to Howard in honor of my grandpa who is my hero. 

New artwork

I've been recently getting into spray painting which is helping to distract me from my feelings and it's making me feel better. 

I also did some photo editing on the one because I thought it looked neat. If anyone is interested in buying any of my artwork it is for sale, just add me on Facebook: Beck Jenkins, and send me a message about which piece you want. I can also do custom made pieces, prices of all may vary, I can give you an estimate if you message me. If you find it easier, you can also call me at 210-848-2468. 

The Great Disappearing Act

Once standing under the bright, full moon,

I tied myself to a balloon,

And as I continue to disappear,

I become lighter as heaven draws near,

This beautiful place, above me it waits,

But I am so weak, I cannot open it's gates.

In the back of my mind, I've heard that it's known,

That sometimes these gates open on their own,

And if by chance, this is just a myth,

I've brought my sharpened objects with,

If the gates aren't opening anytime soon,

I'll pull out the blade and pop the balloon.

Getting lighter, floating higher,

They don't know I'm a liar.

Not broken, but cracked,

I'm barely intact,

Almost through with the great disappearing act.

I'm up above the clouds with no fear,

A thousand feet high in the atmosphere,

Sometimes in clouds, my eyes blur from the haze,

I keep the scissors in hand on those days,

I try too keep from looking down below,

From trying to miss all I'll ever know.

As I feel I'm getting near to the top,

I feel what strength I have left beginning to stop,

The pain is unbearable and hard to contain,

Thinking so hard about what I tried to attain,

Slipping, loosing grip, don't know how much time,

Till I'll finally slip and reverse my long climb.

Getting lower, falling faster,

They don't know I'm a disaster,

Now broken, and cracked,

I'm no longer intact,

Finally through with the Great Disappearing Act.

People Just Don't Understand

I had a breakdown at work recently and had to be sent home. My life recently has gotten even worse than I thought it could. 

Im homeless, barely living off minimum wage, and essentially starving myself because if i want to afford a place to live i can't keep buying food. 

Yes life sucks, the real world is hard. 

I've even been struggling with getting back into school to get my diploma. I still faintly dream of going to college and opening an art shop. but no one is willing to help me get there. 

And i don't get people. I'd be willing to help any of my friends that needed it if i had the means to do so. but it just seems to me that no one cares that ive slept out in the cold and rain. 

So I guess i should explain what happened with work. The night before i was molested. This guy essentially swore that he would hunt me down and rape me. ive been raped twice and sexually assulted 4 times now. I hate talking about it but people make me feel like I have to. 

This guy i work with gave me a hug before work and even though i know he meant well it just triggered my ptsd. I tried to hold everything in as i unknowingly alrready had been for weeks. an hour and a half into my shift i just lost it. I strated crying and having a panic attack in the bathroom and had to leave. 

That guy is still out there. 

And that freaks me out. 

And whats even worse to me is that no everyone is treating me like im some weak helpless little girl but Im not, im trying so hard to be a man but everyone is putting me down. 

The only good thing I seem to have right now Is my girlfriend who I love very much but don't get to see enough. 

I just need help.....

Did You Know Your Life Would Change?

~a tragedy and a true story~

   Sunday November 14th, 2010. That was the day my life changed forever. The story of how I lost my best friend in the whole world.

   There I was, lounging on the couch watching yet another episode of Desperate Housewives. The taste of beef jerky and Big Red was full in my mouth as I munched away. The sun was awake, but still low on the horizon. The weather outside was beautiful, the clouds slowly floating by, I could imagine people laying out making them into shapes.

   Hours later, though it seemed like only minutes, the phone rang. I looked at the time, 1:05 pm. 

   "Hello?" I answered.

   "Hey stranger, you busy?" asked my best friend, Murphy James Wolfe. We had been best friends for as long as I could remember. We met because we had something in common, we were both social outcasts. Me by being my awkward self and him because he practically taught himself in home school (his favorite book at 7 years old was "To Kill A Mockingbird"). We would spend endless time together, having countless sleepovers, vacations, and trips to our favorite park. I returned back to the conversation.

   "Not really. Just chillin, watching tv. Why? What's up?"

   "We're going to the movies in an hour, get ready." this felt weird, like bad deja vu. I was compelled to say no and tell him I was busy later, but I didn't. 'It's my best friend, I'm just being paranoid and ridiculous' I thought to myself.

   "I don't have any money." Why did I say that?

   "You don't need any, I'm paying."

   "Okay, fine." I sensed I would regret this, but I brushed the feeling off. 

   "Be there in an hour."

   "M'kay, bye."

*

   As we walked out of the Northwood's Movie Theater, the smell of popcorn and ICEE lingered. It was about five in the afternoon, and it still felt as if the day just started.

   "That movie was freakishly lame. It was a total nerd movie, and the special effects sucked." I commented.

   "Such a critic. We could go see another movie."

   "Ok, sure. When?"

   "Right now. I believe that movie you wanted to see starts soon."

   "You've gotta be kidding me. Right now?"

   "Do I look like I'm kidding?"

   "No, I couldn't. You've spent enough of your money already."

   "You know how I feel about that. Money is just an item that is temporary. Memories, now those can last a lifetime or more."

   "Yeah, okay. You're right."

   "Yes! Let's go."

*

   The sun was setting this time as we walked out sipping root beer through Redvine straws. We had to wait almost an hour for MJ's dad to come pick us up, but neither of us minded. We laid out on the concrete head to head, began making shapes of the clouds, and even stars when they appeared. 

   "Hey Murphy, what's today?"

   "November 14th, why?"

   "I don't know, just curious."

  "Hey, what's wrong?"

  "I'm not sure, I just have an odd feeling that something really bad is gonna happen soon."

  "Don't worry, as long as I'm here, I'll never let anything go wrong, I'll never let anything bad happen to you." Just then his dad pulled up in his big white Chevrolet truck. I always loved that truck.

*

   As the truck cruised along the dark, silent, empty roads (we were taking the scenic route), MJ and I chatted away in the back. The radio was playing when a song came on and we both paused.

   "Wow, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. This is one of my favorite songs. It makes me think about you." As he said this, MJ's dad pulled out at an intersection, preparing to turn left when the light turned red.

   As MJ looked over at me, while singing the song with me, he got really nervous. He could barely make out a small pair of headlight speeding toward us, or so I guess.

   I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel. I blushed.

   "Hey, Uh... Will you switch seats with me? I don't have any leg room." MJ stuttered.

   "Um, sure. I guess." and I got unbuckled. As soon as my buckle unclipped MJ practically threw me over him, to the seat behind his dad (who was looking at us quite puzzled). He then pushed me with his entire body, guarding me from the opposite side of the car. I was curled up underneath him, the window above my head and his forehead pressed against it.

   "MJ, what's wrong with you?" I choked out. 

   "I love you Bex, I always have." 

   I need your grace to remind me to find my own. This played as he pressed his warm lips against mine. He kissed me, but it wasn't a normal kiss. It felt like a kiss meant for the day we would say "I do."

   If I lay here, If I just lay here, would you lay with me and just forget the world.

   Then came the impact. the other car, a 2008 Cadillac DTS, slammed into the passenger side going almost 60 mph, killing its driver instantaneously. I screamed and cowered into MJ's chest, holding onto him. My heart pounded, the song still played, and tears escaped my eyes. I felt a warm liquid dipping on me as the window above me shattered, glass raining down, and the entire truck jolted. I looked down to see a bright red liquid had covered and spotted my white t-shirt. MJ was breathing heavily, I cried, closed my eyes, and held on. His dad threw himself out of the truck the moment it stopped and dialed 911. I stayed with MJ and just cried.

   "It's okay, we'll be okay. Everything is going to be alright." I whimpered. "I love you too Murphy"

*

   Within half an hour we were questioned and answered by medical personnel, firemen, and police officers. MJ couldn't breathe well, he had lost a lot of blood, as shown on my shirt. The tears wouldn't stop coming. He was taken to the hospital; the driver of the Cadillac was taken in a different vehicle without sirens. The truck had survived other than the dent and broken window. We drove to the hospital quickly. We both ran in. 

   "What room did they take Murphy Wolfe into?" his dad yelled.

   "To the right, just down the hall, second to last room on your left." the old lady honked.

*

   MJ was put on life support, having suffered major head trauma and shattering the front of his skull, causing additional brain damage. We waited in the room with him for hours. He was dying, I knew it. I didn't let go of his hand for a second.  

   "Mr. Wolfe?" the nurse called as she walked in.

   "Yes?" he answered. I looked up through the curtain of hair that surrounded my face, the tears still streaming, as I squeezed MJ's hand.

   "I'm so sorry about the accident. Your sons condition, however, is fatal. He received major injuries to both his brain and skull, and suffered large amounts of blood loss. We have tried what we can, but his injuries are beyond repair. I'm so sorry, you're free to stay as long as you'd like, but he may only have minutes left. Feel free to call if you need anything." she then walked out, MJ's father following the nurse out to call his mother, who at the moment was in Washington state visiting family.

   MJ laid there for awhile longer, barely breathing, suffering.

At exactly eleven-thirty-six PM on November 14th, 2010,

Murphy James Wolfe was pronounced dead from brain damage.

   The moment his heart stopped, I felt as if mine did too. I cried, and a big part of my insides died. I hugged him one last time, kissed his cold, hard lips, and slowly and carefully removed the amulet he wore everyday from his neck, knowing he would want me to have it. I could still hear the song in my head. All that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see. 

   As said by Murphy himself, "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure."

R.I.P.

M J W

2-14-96

11-14-10

Son

Brother

Friend

I love you, and I'll never forget you.

~Love, Always and Forever, Your Bex

When a Friend Bids Goodbye

My dear friend,

close your eyes...

Hold my hand,

and hear me whisper...

For the times I was lost,

You were there to look for me.

Will you believe me when I say I love you,

 more than you will ever know?

Will you trust me when I say,

this time you have to let me go?

My dear friend, I must leave.

The world no longer needs me.

It's my time to be gone,

until we meet again someday.

Don't you cry now, I know I'll be okay.

Trust that I'll never forget you.

Don't be sad now,

Just close your eyes until it's through.

Hold my hand, don't open your eyes yet...

Wait till I no longer whisper...

My dear friend, you'll be fine.

I'll be up there watching over you.

For the times I'll be gone, don't ever forget

the words I whispered to you.

Up there they call on my name...

and I have to let go of your hand now...

Please don't cry... And smile for me...

because I'm the one who made us friends.

Remember, I'll always love you.

So come, wave me goodbye...

It'll be painful but we have to...

Hug me, hug me tight,

feel the words I can no longer say.

My dear friend, I'm going to miss you.

Just speak because I'll always listen.

And one day, when it's your time,

I'll be there for you....

Just like the way I used to.

...I Love You...

 

Thoughts of the night

Someone asked me when I knew I wanted to be a guy so this was my answer. A full story will come later.

3 months ago I came out. I talked to my therapist about it the day before and had never talked about it before. As soon as I said "I think I want to be a guy" I knew. Once when I was like 8 I told my mom I was jealous cause boys had better toys and that sometimes I wished I was a boy, but since then I never talked about it. I kinda bottled it up for years and ignored it but I still thought about it a lot and dreamed about it. Eventually I caved, I was dating this girl (before she broke my heart) and she made me feel strong, I started to feel like a guy being with her and I loved it. Also once when I was 5 I had an imaginary wife. I've always kinda known I guess, I was just afraid to show it. 

And the drawing that is now on my door

Thoughts Of The Day #2

   My mind is a mess, it's like my own personal prison. I hate it. I feel like I can't escape, like it's this person who captured me, and won't let me go, and enjoys torturing me. Honestly, I don't always feel alone inside my head. That's a very scary thing. I still hear that name and see that face and all the things that remind me of that person, and its like my head wants me to suffer, with all the constant reminders of that person everywhere I go. I hate how the marks humans leave are too often scars...

   Recently I've been exceedingly stressed out. My breakdowns have come back and I'm getting worse again. they happen often, and it's terrible. My chest tightens, I have trouble breathing, the world around me darkens and I have to hold my sides to keep from falling apart. I'll often go hide somewhere for an hour or so, so no one has to see or feel my pain. And they happen more and more often, they are now coming on bi-weekly. The other day at my aunts, I cried on the bathroom floor for an hour. Last night I sat up in the dark and cried for 2 hours while my friend soundly slept beside me. He has no idea of the pain I truly feel on the inside, no one does... I don't really want this particular life...

   My mother and I got into quite the fight the other day, this one was much worse than many of the others we have had. I fear our relationship at this point is beyond repair, and I'm sad for that, but at the same time I'm not. She pushed me away and caused me pain for so long, I almost don't want to go back. I'm willing to admit I HATE her and everything she is. I mean, I will always love her, but in the sense that 'she's my mother and I have to' not in the sense that I want to or that I like her as a person. I honestly can't wait till the day comes when I have turned out to be much more successful than she has, and I can stand up stronger, taller, and a much better person than her.

   I think this is a difficult thing to talk about with people, because they don't understand the "family" I grew up with. I had to grow up at an early age, and I had to care for my sibling when no one else really was. I've been neglected and abused. Sometimes I honestly don't even feel as If I have a true family. I mean I can pick out a few relatives who I love with all my heart, but it's not many. I don't have what others do. My spouse will never meet my 'parents' if thats what I have. I'll never truly have a dad. And those are some of the things that hurt me most. 

   Love has been the most difficult place for me... I know I want my forever, but I fear no one will ever be right for me. I keep getting abandoned and hurt and I'm tired of it. I hate it. And what makes it so much harder is that so many are trying. There's the guys and the girls, some close and some far, and I've left my heart open. But it's so hard to decide now, because I'm so afraid I'll make the wrong choice and I'll get hurt again. What am I supposed to do?

   I recently hear someone say "Whatever you do in life will be insignificant."

   That's bullshit, that's exactly why it's very important that you do it anyway because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you're nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make them yours, forever. 

   It's things like this and choices in my life that I'm struggling so hard with. and the one question I've been asked most that I'm still trying to figure out...

Who Are You, Really?

You are not a name,

or a height, or a weight,

or a gender.

You are not an age,

you are not where

you are from.

You are your favorite books,

and the songs stuck in your head.

You are your thoughts,

and what you eat for breakfast

on Saturday mornings.

You are a thousand things,

but everyone chooses

to see a million things

that you are not.

Loosing Control

I was lying in bed this morning

and all of a sudden

I got this really sharp pain

right by my heart.

I felt like I was

getting stabbed in the chest.

It lasted for about fifteen seconds.

My thoughts were racing

and I was trying to breathe heavy

to get it to go away

and I thought I was going to die.

This is the part

where it applies

to every single one of you.

I've tried to take my life before,

I've wanted to die

so many times in my life,

but when I felt like something

was going to kill me

without my control,

all of those thoughts stopped. 

In my mind

I was begging I would be okay.

No matter how much

You hate the world,

No matter how much

You hate yourself,

there are answers

that are better than death.

Believe me.

There are people that love you.

I love you, for crying out loud.

There are people

who would be a wreck

if you were gone.

There is a reason

we are all on this earth,

I promise you,

even if you don't see it now.

If you're feeling alone,

know that the world

can be a lonely place

but it would be lonelier

without you in it. 

I know some people may decide not to believe these words coming from me, hell, even I'm having trouble with that. I still don't see the point in my life, but I've learned to accept that others need me here, so I mustn't be so selfish. The pain I may feel is unbearable, but doing that to others, in my eyes, is way worst.

Know if you ever need a helping hand or just need someone to talk to, I am here for you.

~Beck Jenkins 1(210)848-2468

You Can't Change The Stripes On A Tiger

The Epiphany 

I just realized,

how much has changed.

In the last year,

I lost a lot of people.

I lost a lot of my friendships, 

and the people who say,

"I'll always be here for you"

ended up leaving. 

People really do change in a way,

but I've recently learned to accept you can't change

who they truly are, even if you want to.

You can't change the stripes on a tiger. 

I guess that is just how life works.

Maybe it's why something inside,

is hurting me-

That's why i need cigarettes,

or a drink,

or music turned up so loud,

I can't fucking think. 

And I can no longer sleep well,

not without seeing that face,

or hearing that name,

or waking to crying, screaming pain.

That's why I stare at the ceiling,

for hours on end, in the dark,

just wishing to go back and change time,

but I can't.

Nothing will ever be right again, 

I know that now...

What is this???

  Tonight I had an amazing time, I smiled, I didn't feel so alone, I laughed, everything was just perfect, but what even was it? I can't even decide if it was completely wrong or exactly right, I just know it's what I needed to feel better. My depression was really bad until this, I felt happy for a moment. I forgot about Her, if only for the time being. And even though She still comes to mind all the time I'm trying to make it better. I know she misses me, she told me so, and I'm not afraid to admit I miss her too. Despite knowing it will never work, I still almost have the ambition to try....

   I know I'm being mysterious, and I apologize for doin so to my readers, but I choose not to dispel the details of my private affairs. All that is needed to know is that I had an amazing night for once, I just don't know if it was right. 

   Maybe it would help if I sobered up from the alcohol pumping in my veins, but even though the vodka may burn my throat, the thought of how Her hands used to feel burns me so much worse, and the vodka keeps me from feeling so much pain. 

   And on a side note, Denny's has great lemon meringue pie. It was delicious. 

   You once told me something along the lines of this:

   "Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch" Is that true for everybody, or is it just poetic bullshit? 

A sticker She gave me... I love it....

~Life and Death~ (2012)

   Abagail Connor began her journey like everyone else has. She stood still on the sidewalk staring across the dangerous road, cars whizzing by at full speed. There was no choice, she had to proceed across, to live her life, and make it to the end.

   As she took her first steps, the cars kept coming, slowing at nothing, as if they could not see her. Moving slowly, one step at a time, she aged as she walked, with every five steps a year went by. The cars seemed to only get faster and faster, missing her by only inches.

   Suddenly, one hit. Abagail cried out in pain, as she bled in the street, now looking like an old woman. She was only a few steps away from the end. Her eyes searched the road for a what hit her, the license plate on the car read "Cancer". 

   Her mind scrambled to the thought, she would not let this stop her from reaching the finish at one-hundred. Resisting the urge to give up, she began to crawl, ignoring both the excruciating pain and the sirens in the distance. Fearing for her life, she hurried. Twenty feet away, ten feet, five. Stretching out, she touched the curb with her fingers, leaving a bloody stain. A smile stretched across Abagails face, her life was now complete. She lay motionless as she waited. 

   The ambulance swung around the corner, and came to a stop. Death overcame her as she was loaded into the vehicle. When the EMS was finished with its job, the workers entered the location of Abagail Connors final destination into the GPS, heaven.

What The Hell Can I Do?

   This past month or so has been extremely frustrating for me. I can't even sleep anymore because the nightmares I still have about James are getting more frequent and Worse, to the point where I'm afraid to simply sleep. I hate him, I hate how his presence haunts my life eternally and I can't rid him from my mind and my life, though we dont even talk anymore, I HATE IT!!!
   Alsio I swear it's like every time I ask someone in Rochester to hang out with me they are busy, or are probably just making up excuses because they don't want to. I was complaining to my friend Ryan about it, and he asked "what about your girlfriend?" and when I told him she lives in Texas he was confused. I had to tell him about Brenna and I breaking up which was upsetting, and then explain about my new girlfriend when he saw the picture of us together, because she looks like a guy. She is Transgender, like me, but male to female. She's pretty amazing, and we have history dating back to freshman year. She makes me one of the happiest guys out there, and she's always dying to spend time with me when I'm around, which is exactly why its killing me that I have to be so far away from my princess.
   I recently took a trip to San Antonio, my hometown, and I got to spend 2 weeks there. It was literally the best time I've had all summer long, and I highly doubt anything will happen to top that. I spent time with all my clost friends, I had a SUCCESSFUL party, not like my grad party where only one person showed. I got to see a bunch of old friends too and made new friends. I was busy everyday and every night I was there, so much so that I barely even got any sleep. The only bad thing that really happened was the fight with my mother which I'm over cause she doesn't know what she is talking about. And that's not me just being an angsty teen, she tried to tell me that I'm not transgender due to my choice to not get bottom surgery, and thats only because I'm scared and don't think it's safe. Not to mention that it's very expensive. But I'll probably change my mind about that in the future. SHE CAN'T TELL ME WHO I AM, ONLY I KNOW WHO I AM.
   Ugh, just the frustration of having to deal with that.
   Anyways, I did have an all around Amazing trip back home. I went to an arcade with my girlfriend and one of my best friends, I got a Perry the Platypus toy THAT MAKES THE NOISE! I got to do alot of driving which was nice (and minorly illegal) despite the fact that most of it was driving drunk people home cause I was the only sober one with the ability to drive (my friend tobin is only 17 and didn't drink, but he has never driven before). I was extremely happy and lucky to get to drive out to Seguine to see my best friend Dylan for the first time in over a year. I spent alot of time with my buddy DJuan. I took my girlfriend (thank goodness Amanda and Briana my non-blood sister was there to help) on her first girl shopping trip to get a swimsuit. I sat at McDonald's and saw my old favorite Manager Charles, and hung out with Homeless Tobin. I went to the movies several times, saw Inside-Out, Ted 2, Max, and Spy and a couple free morning movies. I gave a kitten (Nugget) a new home. I shot off fireworks twice and got to see my dad (I kinda had to stalk him to get to see him but oh well). I got to lay in bed with my best bud Jeramy and play video games. I got to spend time with his family, who is very much like family to me as well (which is still wierd to say considering mine and Jeramy's history... don't ask). I got to spend many nights cuddling with my girlfriend (amongst other activities).
   All together it made me super happy to be back home. Ive only been back in Rochester a little over a week and I once again hate it here. It's messing with my anxiety too. i just want to go home where I can be happy with my friends and holding my princess in my arms and being surrounded by my family and LOVE. I hate it here, I have very few friends, I'm never busy, I'm so bored and lonely and introverted I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO WITH MYSELF!!!!! I sit around and feel like a lazy ass all day cause I watch TV or play video games or draw. The only perk to so much free time has been getting to get a few personal projects done or further along. I'm only just now getting to be more productive cause I finally have access to the upstairs computer because my grandma isn't here to hog it. She left with my sister (who I was about ready to kill anyway so glad she's gone and I get a break), to take her back to Texas and she's gonna stay until NOVEMBER cause my aunt is having twins (which I find mildly disturbing). I now have the Study all to myself so I've been productive on the computer making video's and such, and applying for jobs so I can have something to do to get me out of the fucking house.
    I'm also dissappointed to realize I'll have to stay in Rochester a bit longer because of the fact that everyone wants me to go to college (though I still don't see the point nor know what I want to do) and I have to stay to get my last High school credit done. I was trying to make plans to move back home to my heart, but now I have to put that off, and I feel heartless.
   I just want sleep...
   I just want to forget him...
   I just want a friend...
   I just want her...
   I just want some fun...
   I just want to make memories...
   I just want something to do, to keep me busy...
   I just want a future...
   I just want a heart...
   I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.............

Better Roar Driving Radioactive Demon Mom's

Texas

I read this story online and thought it was hilarious! Hope you enjoy it too.

I am an animal lover

Ugh, I can't stand living in this house for much longer. My grandma said earlier there's no way I'm getting a pet even if I pay for it and won't give me any reason why. I love animals and I've always lived in a house that has animals, I can't live like this, it's severely killing me. I finally convinced her to let me get a mouse, but she won't let me get anything else. Both my grandparents kept telling me that if I want to live with pets then I should go back to San Antonio and when I said I can't since in going to college and that maybe I'll just get my own apartment they basically laughed and said "good luck cause we're not paying for it" 

More than anything else I miss my Sami. He's my baby, he's what kept me alive after my first miscarriage and I love him so much much, it almost feels like being seperated from my own child. He's like family to me. 

I will never be able to understand how some people don't like animals. 

A POEM

Don't You Dare

 

Don't you dare tell me I'm beautiful

Until you've seen my scars

That carve my body

And the blood

That pours out of my soul

 

Don't you dare tell me I'm lovely

Until I completely shut you out

Because I swore to myself

You're just like the rest

And you'll get sick of me

 

Don't you dare tell me I'm flawless

Until you've seen me break down in tears

I'll show you the darkness

That consumes me

And you'll run away

But if you

Have seen my scars

Bitterness

And darkness

Then perhaps I believe you.

But darling, I'm still a nightmare

That's dressed like a daydream.

Him vs. Her

Daydreams and Nightmares

   I thought I was done having to deal with Him. But now He is haunting my dreams and turning them into nightmares. I still see Him sometimes and it kills me. I have to look away most times or crack a snide joke while passing His house. There are a million reminders of our time together all around me, it makes me think of the book we are reading in English World Literature, 1984 by George Orwell. In the novel they talk about the government as being inescapable, with the famous line "BIG BROTHER IS ALWAYS WATCHING." It almost feels like propaganda, they way He gets in my head. It's terrifying, deathly terrifying. I'm so scarred because of him, I can't escape. I still look at the shadow of where his name was carved into my arm everyday, I'm not over it and I never will be, and that's crazy to think one person could affect me so much. But even writing these words is painful, admittance of my vulnerability and strongest weakness.
   Last night I had a dream, that for a moment I was back in His arms, and had forgotten about how things are now. We had become friends again, we were talking and laughing and smiling, and then the moment I mentioned my girlfriends name I almost lost it. It had seemed obvious in the dream that He still loved me, but I was afraid. I will not deny that I love Him, but things are different now and He is gone. At that moment I had asked where His intentions with me lay, what does this mean? What is happening between us. He sighed and said:

   "I was wrong to let you go, and I'm so sorry for that. I intend to make this right and to win you back. It took me a long time and a lot of pain to realize this, but I now know you're the one."

   At that moment I awoke with a scream and tears streaming down my face. It's like He is always in my heart and head toying with my emotions and triggering both my PTSD and depression. I don't know what this dream was meant to say.
   I do love my girlfriend very much, and I've even thought about marriage, but I don't want to rush things. I finally want to get one right, I can't afford another one of my infamous fuck ups.
   So yes, I do still love James, and I always will, but there is room in my heart for more than one, I love Brenna too. I strongly believe in the ideal of loving more than one person, I've experienced it like no other, and it is entirely possible.

 

Fears of Abandonment

"I'm not abandoning you. I won't ever do that."

"And my heart believes that but it's my head that refuses to."

"Why not?"

"Because everyone who ever said they'd never leave me did."

This is the terrifying truth that crushes me. I'm afraid, and that's hard to admit. I have anxiety, I worry. I have PTSD, it reminds me too much of my past. I don't want to lose you because you mean so much to me, more than I ever thought you would. 

What if you move too far away?

What if I can't see you?

What if we start fighting?

What if we can't beat the stereotype of long distance?

These are the questions that haunt my thoughts and dreams, day in and day out. I am trying to stay strong for you my love, but my subconscious is tearing me apart at the seems. Sometimes I wish I could see the future, to know what will be, because not knowing, that's what terrifies me most. 

Can someone just tell me what to do so I'm not afraid anymore?

It's gotten to the point where my chest hurt and I cry, sometimes I can't even move. My fear is turning me into a deer in the headlights, I feel as if I'm frozen and can't do anything to stop from being hit. And soon it will hit, because the future always come faster than you expected or faster than you want it to. 

I see you everyday at school, I see you after school as much as possible, what am I gonna do when that's gone? I'll admit it, I'm clingy, though I'm glad to see you seem to like it. But what will I do if and when you're so far that I can't cling to you? Everyday I'm afraid of losing you, even being so close I fear someone else will realise how truly amazing you are and take you away from me. 

Dealing with my fear is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I still can't handle it......

Thoughts of The Day #1

 

   Senior Year. It's been really tough. I can't believe that I'm finally here, Only 6 days away from finally being done with high school, and I'm actually quite sad. I love high school, that's why I want to come back one day and teach it. This year has been one of the craziest I've had for sure, and I'll never forget it. I actually put a quote on my yearbook that reads "Never Forget". Was it like this for everyone else when they graduated? It just feels like and ending to a happy time in my life. I'll never ever forget anything from my high school years, and especially not all the crazy and awesome people I met. My life will never be that same now that I've had them in it.

   Another thing I'm having to deal with is my impotent fear of the future. I'm not sure exactly what I want, I'm too ambitious for my own good. Everyone asks me all these questions that I don't have an answer to. "Where do you see yourself in ten years?"

   Well that just makes me think back to myself ten years ago. If you had asked me then I would have said something along the lines of as a professional basketball player or someone who's super popular in high school. I'd say I'll have a job with a lot of money and a car. I maybe even would have said that I'd have my own apartment by now.

   Asking someone where they see themselves in 10 years to me is unfair. Anything I say now may not actually turn out to be.

   I'm not a professional basketball player; I don't like sports cause I'm lazy, I'd rather watch TV, play video games, or get on the internet to blog and such.

   I've never been popular; I have what friends I do, and am only widely known for things that happen involving me, mistakes I've made, of rumors that others spread.

   I don't have a job right now, only get money from my grandma for lunch and necessities, do not have a car, and definitely don't have an apartment.

   So you can see how it's an unfair question. You can't ever truly predict the future like that, you can't know everything. Hell, I don't even know where I see myself in 1 year, or even 3 months.

   Even 1 year ago I didn't know I'd be where I am today. And I never thought; as a little guy in big ol' Texas, right in its heart in San Antonio; that I'd ever leave my home.

   That is why I just simply live life day by day.

Other Blogs I Follow

Here are a couple other blogs that I'm following for you, I find them both interesting and I hope you will too.

 

 

Dreamwatch Paranormal Blog http://dreamwatch.com/blog1/?cat=83

 I am really into anything paranormal and this blog talks about real life experiences people have had.

Twilight: The Missing Pieces https://palassiter.wordpress.com/news/

I love the twilight story, and this blog has it from Edwards point of view and has fan fiction continuations which I love to read.

Introduction

My name is Beck Jenkins, and welcome to my blog: A Day In My Shoes.
The purpose of this blog is basically to be like a journal, I'll share my odd everyday experiences and tell stories from my life of things I've experienced. I will also share photos of my artwork, Updates on the books I'm writing, and plenty of poetry and short stories that I've written. I hope you enjoy my blog and feel free to comment on my posts your thoughts, feelings, and questions.
Also be sure to search for my youtube channel, I post many videos, both singing and vlogging, just search Beck Jenkins and be sure to subscribe.
Thanks For Reading My Blog And See You Soon!!!