A POEM

Don't You Dare

 

Don't you dare tell me I'm beautiful

Until you've seen my scars

That carve my body

And the blood

That pours out of my soul

 

Don't you dare tell me I'm lovely

Until I completely shut you out

Because I swore to myself

You're just like the rest

And you'll get sick of me

 

Don't you dare tell me I'm flawless

Until you've seen me break down in tears

I'll show you the darkness

That consumes me

And you'll run away

But if you

Have seen my scars

Bitterness

And darkness

Then perhaps I believe you.

But darling, I'm still a nightmare

That's dressed like a daydream.

Him vs. Her

Daydreams and Nightmares

   I thought I was done having to deal with Him. But now He is haunting my dreams and turning them into nightmares. I still see Him sometimes and it kills me. I have to look away most times or crack a snide joke while passing His house. There are a million reminders of our time together all around me, it makes me think of the book we are reading in English World Literature, 1984 by George Orwell. In the novel they talk about the government as being inescapable, with the famous line "BIG BROTHER IS ALWAYS WATCHING." It almost feels like propaganda, they way He gets in my head. It's terrifying, deathly terrifying. I'm so scarred because of him, I can't escape. I still look at the shadow of where his name was carved into my arm everyday, I'm not over it and I never will be, and that's crazy to think one person could affect me so much. But even writing these words is painful, admittance of my vulnerability and strongest weakness.
   Last night I had a dream, that for a moment I was back in His arms, and had forgotten about how things are now. We had become friends again, we were talking and laughing and smiling, and then the moment I mentioned my girlfriends name I almost lost it. It had seemed obvious in the dream that He still loved me, but I was afraid. I will not deny that I love Him, but things are different now and He is gone. At that moment I had asked where His intentions with me lay, what does this mean? What is happening between us. He sighed and said:

   "I was wrong to let you go, and I'm so sorry for that. I intend to make this right and to win you back. It took me a long time and a lot of pain to realize this, but I now know you're the one."

   At that moment I awoke with a scream and tears streaming down my face. It's like He is always in my heart and head toying with my emotions and triggering both my PTSD and depression. I don't know what this dream was meant to say.
   I do love my girlfriend very much, and I've even thought about marriage, but I don't want to rush things. I finally want to get one right, I can't afford another one of my infamous fuck ups.
   So yes, I do still love James, and I always will, but there is room in my heart for more than one, I love Brenna too. I strongly believe in the ideal of loving more than one person, I've experienced it like no other, and it is entirely possible.

 

Fears of Abandonment

"I'm not abandoning you. I won't ever do that."

"And my heart believes that but it's my head that refuses to."

"Why not?"

"Because everyone who ever said they'd never leave me did."

This is the terrifying truth that crushes me. I'm afraid, and that's hard to admit. I have anxiety, I worry. I have PTSD, it reminds me too much of my past. I don't want to lose you because you mean so much to me, more than I ever thought you would. 

What if you move too far away?

What if I can't see you?

What if we start fighting?

What if we can't beat the stereotype of long distance?

These are the questions that haunt my thoughts and dreams, day in and day out. I am trying to stay strong for you my love, but my subconscious is tearing me apart at the seems. Sometimes I wish I could see the future, to know what will be, because not knowing, that's what terrifies me most. 

Can someone just tell me what to do so I'm not afraid anymore?

It's gotten to the point where my chest hurt and I cry, sometimes I can't even move. My fear is turning me into a deer in the headlights, I feel as if I'm frozen and can't do anything to stop from being hit. And soon it will hit, because the future always come faster than you expected or faster than you want it to. 

I see you everyday at school, I see you after school as much as possible, what am I gonna do when that's gone? I'll admit it, I'm clingy, though I'm glad to see you seem to like it. But what will I do if and when you're so far that I can't cling to you? Everyday I'm afraid of losing you, even being so close I fear someone else will realise how truly amazing you are and take you away from me. 

Dealing with my fear is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I still can't handle it......

Thoughts of The Day #1

 

   Senior Year. It's been really tough. I can't believe that I'm finally here, Only 6 days away from finally being done with high school, and I'm actually quite sad. I love high school, that's why I want to come back one day and teach it. This year has been one of the craziest I've had for sure, and I'll never forget it. I actually put a quote on my yearbook that reads "Never Forget". Was it like this for everyone else when they graduated? It just feels like and ending to a happy time in my life. I'll never ever forget anything from my high school years, and especially not all the crazy and awesome people I met. My life will never be that same now that I've had them in it.

   Another thing I'm having to deal with is my impotent fear of the future. I'm not sure exactly what I want, I'm too ambitious for my own good. Everyone asks me all these questions that I don't have an answer to. "Where do you see yourself in ten years?"

   Well that just makes me think back to myself ten years ago. If you had asked me then I would have said something along the lines of as a professional basketball player or someone who's super popular in high school. I'd say I'll have a job with a lot of money and a car. I maybe even would have said that I'd have my own apartment by now.

   Asking someone where they see themselves in 10 years to me is unfair. Anything I say now may not actually turn out to be.

   I'm not a professional basketball player; I don't like sports cause I'm lazy, I'd rather watch TV, play video games, or get on the internet to blog and such.

   I've never been popular; I have what friends I do, and am only widely known for things that happen involving me, mistakes I've made, of rumors that others spread.

   I don't have a job right now, only get money from my grandma for lunch and necessities, do not have a car, and definitely don't have an apartment.

   So you can see how it's an unfair question. You can't ever truly predict the future like that, you can't know everything. Hell, I don't even know where I see myself in 1 year, or even 3 months.

   Even 1 year ago I didn't know I'd be where I am today. And I never thought; as a little guy in big ol' Texas, right in its heart in San Antonio; that I'd ever leave my home.

   That is why I just simply live life day by day.

Other Blogs I Follow

Here are a couple other blogs that I'm following for you, I find them both interesting and I hope you will too.

 

 

Dreamwatch Paranormal Blog http://dreamwatch.com/blog1/?cat=83

 I am really into anything paranormal and this blog talks about real life experiences people have had.

Twilight: The Missing Pieces https://palassiter.wordpress.com/news/

I love the twilight story, and this blog has it from Edwards point of view and has fan fiction continuations which I love to read.

Introduction

My name is Beck Jenkins, and welcome to my blog: A Day In My Shoes.
The purpose of this blog is basically to be like a journal, I'll share my odd everyday experiences and tell stories from my life of things I've experienced. I will also share photos of my artwork, Updates on the books I'm writing, and plenty of poetry and short stories that I've written. I hope you enjoy my blog and feel free to comment on my posts your thoughts, feelings, and questions.
Also be sure to search for my youtube channel, I post many videos, both singing and vlogging, just search Beck Jenkins and be sure to subscribe.
Thanks For Reading My Blog And See You Soon!!!