Today has been quite a sad day for me. Let me explain, recently I moved back in with my mom, which sounds great for me, and it is, but it has its downsides too..... There are so many memories that i have in this house and I cant even begin to explain the pain I feel being back here, the place where all my troubles began.
Don't get me wrong, I love this house, but I also hate it. I can feel all the tension that lingers from all the problems there have been here. I feel it in my chest, this pain that I can't describe, like its trying to crush me. I can feel it seeping into the cracks in me that are already so weak. I can see it radiating from the house like a terrifying aura of bad. Just all these bad memories harbored in this house. I like it when He is here because that helps make some good memories, and I thank whatever god I can find that James was never here because if he had been..... I cant even say how much worse that would make it. And I find that its hard to ignore.... I sit at night and stare at the floor, the spot where I was first raped...... I sit in any room and I can see the pain and feel what lingers there...
I look into my old bedroom, I see millions of fights with my sister that I've had, and all those embarrassing and mortifying moments. I see the breakdowns I had when I cried in the corner or on my bed curled into a ball trying to hold myself together for hours. I see the blood stain from when I tried to kill myself, picture the bloody red hand print I once left when I blacked out from being left alone in the house for too long, overnight. I can see all the nightmares I've had floating in the room, reminding me of how scared I always feel and what trauma they have caused me. I see the time I walked into the room and found my sister trying to OD. I see the images from the night pills flew across the room as an old friend tried to wrestle them out of MY hand..... The day I packed and moved out.... I can see the pain, feel the hurt, the tears, breakdown after breakdown, cut after cut, text after text, mistake after mistake.....
I look into the living room where I sleep every night now, and its even worse. My parents sitting on the couch, blindsiding me and my siblings with the news of their divorce, The sword. Coming home through the front door the night MJ died, still wearing the t shirt that was soaked in his blood..... and just collapsing on the floor, wanting nothing more than to die right then. I can still see all the fights and wars.... Those lonely nights home alone on the couch. The phone call from MJ inviting me to the movies and still to this day wishing I had said no. The panic attack from the night my moms ex husband wouldn't leave, and almost tried to break into the house, the cops coming to the front door before making him leave... all the stolen kisses from people I once love, and still do, but who don''t love me, the people who left........
The kitchen, the countless panic attacks, all the lectures, fights between mom and allison where i could do nothing but stand silently and wait for it to be over. the bad family dinners, awkward moments...
Moms room, the beating as a kid when i misbehaved, which was often. the fights mom and ralph had that were hidden.....
the bathroom even, where I've cried, broken down, or been so exhausted i simply passed out on the floor.
the garage being one of the worst, mom threatening to kick me out, the heartfelt conversations, the disappointing moments, crying, mom and i's conversations, questions, and so many lectures. The day i left.... all those goodbyes, some that i didn't know were forever......
That's the house.... that's what i feel like I've gotten myself trapped back into. i cant go anywhere else, and for so long i wanted to be back here, but its so painful i'm not sure if i can bear it. it is true that He makes it better, but He cant be here with me all the time, and when He is gone the pain sets back into place. when He leaves for basic training, i don't know how ill be able to handle it...... and i'm still afraid of losing him as i have everyone else.
I hate goodbyes more than anything, and i hate knowing that there will be many, many more of them in my life. i'm not prepared for that..... i don't want to keep losing all the people i love most in this world.... Alex.... James.... Mj.... brenna....cheyenne...... I want them all back here in my life, by my side, giving me strength.....
Why should I be sad? I've lost many who didn't love me. But they all lost someone who loved them...... I miss you all..... I'll never forget, and I'll be forever mourning the loss of you....
