I'm Giving It Up

   So I'm sure the title of this post is a tad confusing, and  I'll assure you all that I'm not talking about taking my life, I'm just talking about giving up a part of it. 

   As you all know, I came out 7 months ago as Female to Male transgender. And I've been living as a male since, mostly happily. At times I have missed certain aspects of being a girl, but not enough to warrant staying one. I still hate my body and feel like I was born in the wrong one. I will always feel male on the inside, and I'm accepting what God gave me and staying female. (and yes, I did just say God. I've started going to church again and I'm opening up my mind to believing in him) 

    Here are my reasons for this. Yes, I do miss being a girl a lot, but not because it fit who I am more, but because it was easier. Dating wasn't so complicated, life wasn't so hard, getting ready to go out in public wasn't such a challenge. I didn't use to have to painfully bind my chest to feel comfortable going out. Being a girl I did hate myself, but in a way that I could still be content with life. And I'll never be truly happy, I'll never be able to afford surgery or healthcare that's nice enough to cover that. I'll never be able to transition fully. Though I have had an overwhelming amount of acceptance from my friends, my family (most of them) have chosen to ignore my transition, and won't accept it until I "have a dick" as I've been told. I can't live like that, feeling ignored for years while I wait to have the surgery I want. 

   So that's what I'm giving up, being transgender. I'll just go back to being the girl they choose to see me as. And I guess that's fine with me. I'd rather have my family around any day than push them away making a choice that only makes me happy. 

   -Beck Howard Jenkins aka Rebecca Lynn Jenkins

P. s. I will still one day legally change my middle name to Howard in honor of my grandpa who is my hero. 

Thoughts of the night

Someone asked me when I knew I wanted to be a guy so this was my answer. A full story will come later.

3 months ago I came out. I talked to my therapist about it the day before and had never talked about it before. As soon as I said "I think I want to be a guy" I knew. Once when I was like 8 I told my mom I was jealous cause boys had better toys and that sometimes I wished I was a boy, but since then I never talked about it. I kinda bottled it up for years and ignored it but I still thought about it a lot and dreamed about it. Eventually I caved, I was dating this girl (before she broke my heart) and she made me feel strong, I started to feel like a guy being with her and I loved it. Also once when I was 5 I had an imaginary wife. I've always kinda known I guess, I was just afraid to show it. 

And the drawing that is now on my door

What The Hell Can I Do?

   This past month or so has been extremely frustrating for me. I can't even sleep anymore because the nightmares I still have about James are getting more frequent and Worse, to the point where I'm afraid to simply sleep. I hate him, I hate how his presence haunts my life eternally and I can't rid him from my mind and my life, though we dont even talk anymore, I HATE IT!!!
   Alsio I swear it's like every time I ask someone in Rochester to hang out with me they are busy, or are probably just making up excuses because they don't want to. I was complaining to my friend Ryan about it, and he asked "what about your girlfriend?" and when I told him she lives in Texas he was confused. I had to tell him about Brenna and I breaking up which was upsetting, and then explain about my new girlfriend when he saw the picture of us together, because she looks like a guy. She is Transgender, like me, but male to female. She's pretty amazing, and we have history dating back to freshman year. She makes me one of the happiest guys out there, and she's always dying to spend time with me when I'm around, which is exactly why its killing me that I have to be so far away from my princess.
   I recently took a trip to San Antonio, my hometown, and I got to spend 2 weeks there. It was literally the best time I've had all summer long, and I highly doubt anything will happen to top that. I spent time with all my clost friends, I had a SUCCESSFUL party, not like my grad party where only one person showed. I got to see a bunch of old friends too and made new friends. I was busy everyday and every night I was there, so much so that I barely even got any sleep. The only bad thing that really happened was the fight with my mother which I'm over cause she doesn't know what she is talking about. And that's not me just being an angsty teen, she tried to tell me that I'm not transgender due to my choice to not get bottom surgery, and thats only because I'm scared and don't think it's safe. Not to mention that it's very expensive. But I'll probably change my mind about that in the future. SHE CAN'T TELL ME WHO I AM, ONLY I KNOW WHO I AM.
   Ugh, just the frustration of having to deal with that.
   Anyways, I did have an all around Amazing trip back home. I went to an arcade with my girlfriend and one of my best friends, I got a Perry the Platypus toy THAT MAKES THE NOISE! I got to do alot of driving which was nice (and minorly illegal) despite the fact that most of it was driving drunk people home cause I was the only sober one with the ability to drive (my friend tobin is only 17 and didn't drink, but he has never driven before). I was extremely happy and lucky to get to drive out to Seguine to see my best friend Dylan for the first time in over a year. I spent alot of time with my buddy DJuan. I took my girlfriend (thank goodness Amanda and Briana my non-blood sister was there to help) on her first girl shopping trip to get a swimsuit. I sat at McDonald's and saw my old favorite Manager Charles, and hung out with Homeless Tobin. I went to the movies several times, saw Inside-Out, Ted 2, Max, and Spy and a couple free morning movies. I gave a kitten (Nugget) a new home. I shot off fireworks twice and got to see my dad (I kinda had to stalk him to get to see him but oh well). I got to lay in bed with my best bud Jeramy and play video games. I got to spend time with his family, who is very much like family to me as well (which is still wierd to say considering mine and Jeramy's history... don't ask). I got to spend many nights cuddling with my girlfriend (amongst other activities).
   All together it made me super happy to be back home. Ive only been back in Rochester a little over a week and I once again hate it here. It's messing with my anxiety too. i just want to go home where I can be happy with my friends and holding my princess in my arms and being surrounded by my family and LOVE. I hate it here, I have very few friends, I'm never busy, I'm so bored and lonely and introverted I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO WITH MYSELF!!!!! I sit around and feel like a lazy ass all day cause I watch TV or play video games or draw. The only perk to so much free time has been getting to get a few personal projects done or further along. I'm only just now getting to be more productive cause I finally have access to the upstairs computer because my grandma isn't here to hog it. She left with my sister (who I was about ready to kill anyway so glad she's gone and I get a break), to take her back to Texas and she's gonna stay until NOVEMBER cause my aunt is having twins (which I find mildly disturbing). I now have the Study all to myself so I've been productive on the computer making video's and such, and applying for jobs so I can have something to do to get me out of the fucking house.
    I'm also dissappointed to realize I'll have to stay in Rochester a bit longer because of the fact that everyone wants me to go to college (though I still don't see the point nor know what I want to do) and I have to stay to get my last High school credit done. I was trying to make plans to move back home to my heart, but now I have to put that off, and I feel heartless.
   I just want sleep...
   I just want to forget him...
   I just want a friend...
   I just want her...
   I just want some fun...
   I just want to make memories...
   I just want something to do, to keep me busy...
   I just want a future...
   I just want a heart...
   I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.............