Showing posts with label PTSD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PTSD. Show all posts

Sunday, November 8, 2015

People Just Don't Understand

I had a breakdown at work recently and had to be sent home. My life recently has gotten even worse than I thought it could. 
Im homeless, barely living off minimum wage, and essentially starving myself because if i want to afford a place to live i can't keep buying food. 
Yes life sucks, the real world is hard. 
I've even been struggling with getting back into school to get my diploma. I still faintly dream of going to college and opening an art shop. but no one is willing to help me get there. 
And i don't get people. I'd be willing to help any of my friends that needed it if i had the means to do so. but it just seems to me that no one cares that ive slept out in the cold and rain. 
So I guess i should explain what happened with work. The night before i was molested. This guy essentially swore that he would hunt me down and rape me. ive been raped twice and sexually assulted 4 times now. I hate talking about it but people make me feel like I have to. 
This guy i work with gave me a hug before work and even though i know he meant well it just triggered my ptsd. I tried to hold everything in as i unknowingly alrready had been for weeks. an hour and a half into my shift i just lost it. I strated crying and having a panic attack in the bathroom and had to leave. 
That guy is still out there. 
And that freaks me out. 
And whats even worse to me is that no everyone is treating me like im some weak helpless little girl but Im not, im trying so hard to be a man but everyone is putting me down. 
The only good thing I seem to have right now Is my girlfriend who I love very much but don't get to see enough. 
I just need help.....

Monday, September 28, 2015

Did You Know Your Life Would Change?

~a tragedy and a true story~

   Sunday November 14th, 2010. That was the day my life changed forever. The story of how I lost my best friend in the whole world.
   There I was, lounging on the couch watching yet another episode of Desperate Housewives. The taste of beef jerky and Big Red was full in my mouth as I munched away. The sun was awake, but still low on the horizon. The weather outside was beautiful, the clouds slowly floating by, I could imagine people laying out making them into shapes.
   Hours later, though it seemed like only minutes, the phone rang. I looked at the time, 1:05 pm. 
   "Hello?" I answered.
   "Hey stranger, you busy?" asked my best friend, Murphy James Wolfe. We had been best friends for as long as I could remember. We met because we had something in common, we were both social outcasts. Me by being my awkward self and him because he practically taught himself in home school (his favorite book at 7 years old was "To Kill A Mockingbird"). We would spend endless time together, having countless sleepovers, vacations, and trips to our favorite park. I returned back to the conversation.
   "Not really. Just chillin, watching tv. Why? What's up?"
   "We're going to the movies in an hour, get ready." this felt weird, like bad deja vu. I was compelled to say no and tell him I was busy later, but I didn't. 'It's my best friend, I'm just being paranoid and ridiculous' I thought to myself.
   "I don't have any money." Why did I say that?
   "You don't need any, I'm paying."
   "Okay, fine." I sensed I would regret this, but I brushed the feeling off. 
   "Be there in an hour."
   "M'kay, bye."
*
   As we walked out of the Northwood's Movie Theater, the smell of popcorn and ICEE lingered. It was about five in the afternoon, and it still felt as if the day just started.
   "That movie was freakishly lame. It was a total nerd movie, and the special effects sucked." I commented.
   "Such a critic. We could go see another movie."
   "Ok, sure. When?"
   "Right now. I believe that movie you wanted to see starts soon."
   "You've gotta be kidding me. Right now?"
   "Do I look like I'm kidding?"
   "No, I couldn't. You've spent enough of your money already."
   "You know how I feel about that. Money is just an item that is temporary. Memories, now those can last a lifetime or more."
   "Yeah, okay. You're right."
   "Yes! Let's go."
*
   The sun was setting this time as we walked out sipping root beer through Redvine straws. We had to wait almost an hour for MJ's dad to come pick us up, but neither of us minded. We laid out on the concrete head to head, began making shapes of the clouds, and even stars when they appeared. 
   "Hey Murphy, what's today?"
   "November 14th, why?"
   "I don't know, just curious."
  "Hey, what's wrong?"
  "I'm not sure, I just have an odd feeling that something really bad is gonna happen soon."
  "Don't worry, as long as I'm here, I'll never let anything go wrong, I'll never let anything bad happen to you." Just then his dad pulled up in his big white Chevrolet truck. I always loved that truck.
*
   As the truck cruised along the dark, silent, empty roads (we were taking the scenic route), MJ and I chatted away in the back. The radio was playing when a song came on and we both paused.
   "Wow, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. This is one of my favorite songs. It makes me think about you." As he said this, MJ's dad pulled out at an intersection, preparing to turn left when the light turned red.
   As MJ looked over at me, while singing the song with me, he got really nervous. He could barely make out a small pair of headlight speeding toward us, or so I guess.
   I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel. I blushed.
   "Hey, Uh... Will you switch seats with me? I don't have any leg room." MJ stuttered.
   "Um, sure. I guess." and I got unbuckled. As soon as my buckle unclipped MJ practically threw me over him, to the seat behind his dad (who was looking at us quite puzzled). He then pushed me with his entire body, guarding me from the opposite side of the car. I was curled up underneath him, the window above my head and his forehead pressed against it.
   "MJ, what's wrong with you?" I choked out. 
   "I love you Bex, I always have." 
   I need your grace to remind me to find my own. This played as he pressed his warm lips against mine. He kissed me, but it wasn't a normal kiss. It felt like a kiss meant for the day we would say "I do."
   If I lay here, If I just lay here, would you lay with me and just forget the world.
   Then came the impact. the other car, a 2008 Cadillac DTS, slammed into the passenger side going almost 60 mph, killing its driver instantaneously. I screamed and cowered into MJ's chest, holding onto him. My heart pounded, the song still played, and tears escaped my eyes. I felt a warm liquid dipping on me as the window above me shattered, glass raining down, and the entire truck jolted. I looked down to see a bright red liquid had covered and spotted my white t-shirt. MJ was breathing heavily, I cried, closed my eyes, and held on. His dad threw himself out of the truck the moment it stopped and dialed 911. I stayed with MJ and just cried.
   "It's okay, we'll be okay. Everything is going to be alright." I whimpered. "I love you too Murphy"
*
   Within half an hour we were questioned and answered by medical personnel, firemen, and police officers. MJ couldn't breathe well, he had lost a lot of blood, as shown on my shirt. The tears wouldn't stop coming. He was taken to the hospital; the driver of the Cadillac was taken in a different vehicle without sirens. The truck had survived other than the dent and broken window. We drove to the hospital quickly. We both ran in. 
   "What room did they take Murphy Wolfe into?" his dad yelled.
   "To the right, just down the hall, second to last room on your left." the old lady honked.
*
   MJ was put on life support, having suffered major head trauma and shattering the front of his skull, causing additional brain damage. We waited in the room with him for hours. He was dying, I knew it. I didn't let go of his hand for a second.  
   "Mr. Wolfe?" the nurse called as she walked in.
   "Yes?" he answered. I looked up through the curtain of hair that surrounded my face, the tears still streaming, as I squeezed MJ's hand.
   "I'm so sorry about the accident. Your sons condition, however, is fatal. He received major injuries to both his brain and skull, and suffered large amounts of blood loss. We have tried what we can, but his injuries are beyond repair. I'm so sorry, you're free to stay as long as you'd like, but he may only have minutes left. Feel free to call if you need anything." she then walked out, MJ's father following the nurse out to call his mother, who at the moment was in Washington state visiting family.
   MJ laid there for awhile longer, barely breathing, suffering.

At exactly eleven-thirty-six PM on November 14th, 2010,
Murphy James Wolfe was pronounced dead from brain damage.

   The moment his heart stopped, I felt as if mine did too. I cried, and a big part of my insides died. I hugged him one last time, kissed his cold, hard lips, and slowly and carefully removed the amulet he wore everyday from his neck, knowing he would want me to have it. I could still hear the song in my head. All that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see. 
   As said by Murphy himself, "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure."
R.I.P.
M J W
2-14-96
11-14-10
Son
Brother
Friend

I love you, and I'll never forget you.
~Love, Always and Forever, Your Bex

Monday, July 20, 2015

What The Hell Can I Do?

   This past month or so has been extremely frustrating for me. I can't even sleep anymore because the nightmares I still have about James are getting more frequent and Worse, to the point where I'm afraid to simply sleep. I hate him, I hate how his presence haunts my life eternally and I can't rid him from my mind and my life, though we dont even talk anymore, I HATE IT!!!
   Alsio I swear it's like every time I ask someone in Rochester to hang out with me they are busy, or are probably just making up excuses because they don't want to. I was complaining to my friend Ryan about it, and he asked "what about your girlfriend?" and when I told him she lives in Texas he was confused. I had to tell him about Brenna and I breaking up which was upsetting, and then explain about my new girlfriend when he saw the picture of us together, because she looks like a guy. She is Transgender, like me, but male to female. She's pretty amazing, and we have history dating back to freshman year. She makes me one of the happiest guys out there, and she's always dying to spend time with me when I'm around, which is exactly why its killing me that I have to be so far away from my princess.
   I recently took a trip to San Antonio, my hometown, and I got to spend 2 weeks there. It was literally the best time I've had all summer long, and I highly doubt anything will happen to top that. I spent time with all my clost friends, I had a SUCCESSFUL party, not like my grad party where only one person showed. I got to see a bunch of old friends too and made new friends. I was busy everyday and every night I was there, so much so that I barely even got any sleep. The only bad thing that really happened was the fight with my mother which I'm over cause she doesn't know what she is talking about. And that's not me just being an angsty teen, she tried to tell me that I'm not transgender due to my choice to not get bottom surgery, and thats only because I'm scared and don't think it's safe. Not to mention that it's very expensive. But I'll probably change my mind about that in the future. SHE CAN'T TELL ME WHO I AM, ONLY I KNOW WHO I AM.
   Ugh, just the frustration of having to deal with that.
   Anyways, I did have an all around Amazing trip back home. I went to an arcade with my girlfriend and one of my best friends, I got a Perry the Platypus toy THAT MAKES THE NOISE! I got to do alot of driving which was nice (and minorly illegal) despite the fact that most of it was driving drunk people home cause I was the only sober one with the ability to drive (my friend tobin is only 17 and didn't drink, but he has never driven before). I was extremely happy and lucky to get to drive out to Seguine to see my best friend Dylan for the first time in over a year. I spent alot of time with my buddy DJuan. I took my girlfriend (thank goodness Amanda and Briana my non-blood sister was there to help) on her first girl shopping trip to get a swimsuit. I sat at McDonald's and saw my old favorite Manager Charles, and hung out with Homeless Tobin. I went to the movies several times, saw Inside-Out, Ted 2, Max, and Spy and a couple free morning movies. I gave a kitten (Nugget) a new home. I shot off fireworks twice and got to see my dad (I kinda had to stalk him to get to see him but oh well). I got to lay in bed with my best bud Jeramy and play video games. I got to spend time with his family, who is very much like family to me as well (which is still wierd to say considering mine and Jeramy's history... don't ask). I got to spend many nights cuddling with my girlfriend (amongst other activities).
   All together it made me super happy to be back home. Ive only been back in Rochester a little over a week and I once again hate it here. It's messing with my anxiety too. i just want to go home where I can be happy with my friends and holding my princess in my arms and being surrounded by my family and LOVE. I hate it here, I have very few friends, I'm never busy, I'm so bored and lonely and introverted I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO WITH MYSELF!!!!! I sit around and feel like a lazy ass all day cause I watch TV or play video games or draw. The only perk to so much free time has been getting to get a few personal projects done or further along. I'm only just now getting to be more productive cause I finally have access to the upstairs computer because my grandma isn't here to hog it. She left with my sister (who I was about ready to kill anyway so glad she's gone and I get a break), to take her back to Texas and she's gonna stay until NOVEMBER cause my aunt is having twins (which I find mildly disturbing). I now have the Study all to myself so I've been productive on the computer making video's and such, and applying for jobs so I can have something to do to get me out of the fucking house.
    I'm also dissappointed to realize I'll have to stay in Rochester a bit longer because of the fact that everyone wants me to go to college (though I still don't see the point nor know what I want to do) and I have to stay to get my last High school credit done. I was trying to make plans to move back home to my heart, but now I have to put that off, and I feel heartless.
   I just want sleep...
   I just want to forget him...
   I just want a friend...
   I just want her...
   I just want some fun...
   I just want to make memories...
   I just want something to do, to keep me busy...
   I just want a future...
   I just want a heart...
   I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.............

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Fears of Abandonment

"I'm not abandoning you. I won't ever do that."
"And my heart believes that but it's my head that refuses to."
"Why not?"
"Because everyone who ever said they'd never leave me did."

This is the terrifying truth that crushes me. I'm afraid, and that's hard to admit. I have anxiety, I worry. I have PTSD, it reminds me too much of my past. I don't want to lose you because you mean so much to me, more than I ever thought you would. 
What if you move too far away?
What if I can't see you?
What if we start fighting?
What if we can't beat the stereotype of long distance?
These are the questions that haunt my thoughts and dreams, day in and day out. I am trying to stay strong for you my love, but my subconscious is tearing me apart at the seems. Sometimes I wish I could see the future, to know what will be, because not knowing, that's what terrifies me most. 
Can someone just tell me what to do so I'm not afraid anymore?
It's gotten to the point where my chest hurt and I cry, sometimes I can't even move. My fear is turning me into a deer in the headlights, I feel as if I'm frozen and can't do anything to stop from being hit. And soon it will hit, because the future always come faster than you expected or faster than you want it to. 
I see you everyday at school, I see you after school as much as possible, what am I gonna do when that's gone? I'll admit it, I'm clingy, though I'm glad to see you seem to like it. But what will I do if and when you're so far that I can't cling to you? Everyday I'm afraid of losing you, even being so close I fear someone else will realise how truly amazing you are and take you away from me. 

Dealing with my fear is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I still can't handle it......