People Just Don't Understand

I had a breakdown at work recently and had to be sent home. My life recently has gotten even worse than I thought it could. 

Im homeless, barely living off minimum wage, and essentially starving myself because if i want to afford a place to live i can't keep buying food. 

Yes life sucks, the real world is hard. 

I've even been struggling with getting back into school to get my diploma. I still faintly dream of going to college and opening an art shop. but no one is willing to help me get there. 

And i don't get people. I'd be willing to help any of my friends that needed it if i had the means to do so. but it just seems to me that no one cares that ive slept out in the cold and rain. 

So I guess i should explain what happened with work. The night before i was molested. This guy essentially swore that he would hunt me down and rape me. ive been raped twice and sexually assulted 4 times now. I hate talking about it but people make me feel like I have to. 

This guy i work with gave me a hug before work and even though i know he meant well it just triggered my ptsd. I tried to hold everything in as i unknowingly alrready had been for weeks. an hour and a half into my shift i just lost it. I strated crying and having a panic attack in the bathroom and had to leave. 

That guy is still out there. 

And that freaks me out. 

And whats even worse to me is that no everyone is treating me like im some weak helpless little girl but Im not, im trying so hard to be a man but everyone is putting me down. 

The only good thing I seem to have right now Is my girlfriend who I love very much but don't get to see enough. 

I just need help.....

Loosing Control

I was lying in bed this morning

and all of a sudden

I got this really sharp pain

right by my heart.

I felt like I was

getting stabbed in the chest.

It lasted for about fifteen seconds.

My thoughts were racing

and I was trying to breathe heavy

to get it to go away

and I thought I was going to die.

This is the part

where it applies

to every single one of you.

I've tried to take my life before,

I've wanted to die

so many times in my life,

but when I felt like something

was going to kill me

without my control,

all of those thoughts stopped. 

In my mind

I was begging I would be okay.

No matter how much

You hate the world,

No matter how much

You hate yourself,

there are answers

that are better than death.

Believe me.

There are people that love you.

I love you, for crying out loud.

There are people

who would be a wreck

if you were gone.

There is a reason

we are all on this earth,

I promise you,

even if you don't see it now.

If you're feeling alone,

know that the world

can be a lonely place

but it would be lonelier

without you in it. 

I know some people may decide not to believe these words coming from me, hell, even I'm having trouble with that. I still don't see the point in my life, but I've learned to accept that others need me here, so I mustn't be so selfish. The pain I may feel is unbearable, but doing that to others, in my eyes, is way worst.

Know if you ever need a helping hand or just need someone to talk to, I am here for you.

~Beck Jenkins 1(210)848-2468