Stupid Mistakes

   I feel so bad because today I upset the one I love most..... Not only that but I lost someone very close to me today, and that's the 7th person I've lost to a death, and I can't handle it.... 

   There goes 9 months clean of cutting....... That's all.....

The Things I'll Never Let Go

   Today has been quite a sad day for me. Let me explain, recently I moved back in with my mom, which sounds great for me, and it is, but it has its downsides too..... There are so many memories that i have in this house and I cant even begin to explain the pain I feel being back here, the place where all my troubles began.
   Don't get me wrong, I love this house, but I also hate it. I can feel all the tension that lingers from all the problems there have been here. I feel it in my chest, this pain that I can't describe, like its trying to crush me. I can feel it seeping into the cracks in me that are already so weak. I can see it radiating from the house like a terrifying aura of bad. Just all these bad memories harbored in this house. I like it when He is here because that helps make some good memories, and I thank whatever god I can find that James was never here because if he had been..... I cant even say how much worse that would make it. And I find that its hard to ignore.... I sit at night and stare at the floor, the spot where I was first raped...... I sit in any room and I can see the pain and feel what lingers there...
    I look into my old bedroom, I see millions of fights with my sister that I've had, and all those embarrassing and mortifying moments. I see the breakdowns I had when I cried in the corner or on my bed curled into a ball trying to hold myself together for hours. I see the blood stain from when I tried to kill myself, picture the bloody red hand print I once left when I blacked out from being left alone in the house for too long, overnight. I can see all the nightmares I've had floating in the room, reminding me of how scared I always feel and what trauma they have caused me. I see the time I walked into the room and found my sister trying to OD. I see the images from the night pills flew across the room as an old friend tried to wrestle them out of MY hand..... The day I packed and moved out.... I can see the pain, feel the hurt, the tears, breakdown after breakdown, cut after cut, text after text, mistake after mistake.....
   I look into the living room where I sleep every night now, and its even worse. My parents sitting on the couch, blindsiding me and my siblings with the news of their divorce, The sword. Coming home through the front door the night MJ died, still wearing the t shirt that was soaked in his blood..... and just collapsing on the floor, wanting nothing more than to die right then. I can still see all the fights and wars.... Those lonely nights home alone on the couch. The phone call from MJ inviting me to the movies and still to this day wishing I had said no. The panic attack from the night my moms ex husband wouldn't leave, and almost tried to break into the house, the cops coming to the front door before making him leave... all the stolen kisses from people I once love, and still do, but who don''t love me, the people who left........
    The kitchen, the countless panic attacks, all the lectures, fights between mom and allison where i could do nothing but stand silently and wait for it to be over. the bad family dinners, awkward moments...
   Moms room, the beating as a kid when i misbehaved, which was often. the fights mom and ralph had that were hidden.....
   the bathroom even, where I've cried, broken down, or been so exhausted i simply passed out on the floor.
   the garage being one of the worst, mom threatening to kick me out, the heartfelt conversations, the disappointing moments, crying, mom and i's conversations, questions, and so many lectures. The day i left.... all those goodbyes, some that i didn't know were forever......
   That's the house.... that's what i feel like I've gotten myself trapped back into. i cant go anywhere else, and for so long i wanted to be back here, but its so painful i'm not sure if i can bear it. it is true that He makes it better, but He cant be here with me all the time, and when He is gone the pain sets back into place. when He leaves for basic training, i don't know how ill be able to handle it...... and i'm still afraid of losing him as i have everyone else.
   I hate goodbyes more than anything, and i hate knowing that there will be many, many more of them in my life. i'm not prepared for that..... i don't want to keep losing all the people i love most in this world.... Alex.... James.... Mj.... brenna....cheyenne...... I want them all back here in my life, by my side, giving me strength.....
   Why should I be sad? I've lost many who didn't love me. But they all lost someone who loved them...... I miss you all..... I'll never forget, and I'll be forever mourning the loss of you....

Did You Know Your Life Would Change?

~a tragedy and a true story~

   Sunday November 14th, 2010. That was the day my life changed forever. The story of how I lost my best friend in the whole world.

   There I was, lounging on the couch watching yet another episode of Desperate Housewives. The taste of beef jerky and Big Red was full in my mouth as I munched away. The sun was awake, but still low on the horizon. The weather outside was beautiful, the clouds slowly floating by, I could imagine people laying out making them into shapes.

   Hours later, though it seemed like only minutes, the phone rang. I looked at the time, 1:05 pm. 

   "Hello?" I answered.

   "Hey stranger, you busy?" asked my best friend, Murphy James Wolfe. We had been best friends for as long as I could remember. We met because we had something in common, we were both social outcasts. Me by being my awkward self and him because he practically taught himself in home school (his favorite book at 7 years old was "To Kill A Mockingbird"). We would spend endless time together, having countless sleepovers, vacations, and trips to our favorite park. I returned back to the conversation.

   "Not really. Just chillin, watching tv. Why? What's up?"

   "We're going to the movies in an hour, get ready." this felt weird, like bad deja vu. I was compelled to say no and tell him I was busy later, but I didn't. 'It's my best friend, I'm just being paranoid and ridiculous' I thought to myself.

   "I don't have any money." Why did I say that?

   "You don't need any, I'm paying."

   "Okay, fine." I sensed I would regret this, but I brushed the feeling off. 

   "Be there in an hour."

   "M'kay, bye."

*

   As we walked out of the Northwood's Movie Theater, the smell of popcorn and ICEE lingered. It was about five in the afternoon, and it still felt as if the day just started.

   "That movie was freakishly lame. It was a total nerd movie, and the special effects sucked." I commented.

   "Such a critic. We could go see another movie."

   "Ok, sure. When?"

   "Right now. I believe that movie you wanted to see starts soon."

   "You've gotta be kidding me. Right now?"

   "Do I look like I'm kidding?"

   "No, I couldn't. You've spent enough of your money already."

   "You know how I feel about that. Money is just an item that is temporary. Memories, now those can last a lifetime or more."

   "Yeah, okay. You're right."

   "Yes! Let's go."

*

   The sun was setting this time as we walked out sipping root beer through Redvine straws. We had to wait almost an hour for MJ's dad to come pick us up, but neither of us minded. We laid out on the concrete head to head, began making shapes of the clouds, and even stars when they appeared. 

   "Hey Murphy, what's today?"

   "November 14th, why?"

   "I don't know, just curious."

  "Hey, what's wrong?"

  "I'm not sure, I just have an odd feeling that something really bad is gonna happen soon."

  "Don't worry, as long as I'm here, I'll never let anything go wrong, I'll never let anything bad happen to you." Just then his dad pulled up in his big white Chevrolet truck. I always loved that truck.

*

   As the truck cruised along the dark, silent, empty roads (we were taking the scenic route), MJ and I chatted away in the back. The radio was playing when a song came on and we both paused.

   "Wow, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. This is one of my favorite songs. It makes me think about you." As he said this, MJ's dad pulled out at an intersection, preparing to turn left when the light turned red.

   As MJ looked over at me, while singing the song with me, he got really nervous. He could barely make out a small pair of headlight speeding toward us, or so I guess.

   I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel. I blushed.

   "Hey, Uh... Will you switch seats with me? I don't have any leg room." MJ stuttered.

   "Um, sure. I guess." and I got unbuckled. As soon as my buckle unclipped MJ practically threw me over him, to the seat behind his dad (who was looking at us quite puzzled). He then pushed me with his entire body, guarding me from the opposite side of the car. I was curled up underneath him, the window above my head and his forehead pressed against it.

   "MJ, what's wrong with you?" I choked out. 

   "I love you Bex, I always have." 

   I need your grace to remind me to find my own. This played as he pressed his warm lips against mine. He kissed me, but it wasn't a normal kiss. It felt like a kiss meant for the day we would say "I do."

   If I lay here, If I just lay here, would you lay with me and just forget the world.

   Then came the impact. the other car, a 2008 Cadillac DTS, slammed into the passenger side going almost 60 mph, killing its driver instantaneously. I screamed and cowered into MJ's chest, holding onto him. My heart pounded, the song still played, and tears escaped my eyes. I felt a warm liquid dipping on me as the window above me shattered, glass raining down, and the entire truck jolted. I looked down to see a bright red liquid had covered and spotted my white t-shirt. MJ was breathing heavily, I cried, closed my eyes, and held on. His dad threw himself out of the truck the moment it stopped and dialed 911. I stayed with MJ and just cried.

   "It's okay, we'll be okay. Everything is going to be alright." I whimpered. "I love you too Murphy"

*

   Within half an hour we were questioned and answered by medical personnel, firemen, and police officers. MJ couldn't breathe well, he had lost a lot of blood, as shown on my shirt. The tears wouldn't stop coming. He was taken to the hospital; the driver of the Cadillac was taken in a different vehicle without sirens. The truck had survived other than the dent and broken window. We drove to the hospital quickly. We both ran in. 

   "What room did they take Murphy Wolfe into?" his dad yelled.

   "To the right, just down the hall, second to last room on your left." the old lady honked.

*

   MJ was put on life support, having suffered major head trauma and shattering the front of his skull, causing additional brain damage. We waited in the room with him for hours. He was dying, I knew it. I didn't let go of his hand for a second.  

   "Mr. Wolfe?" the nurse called as she walked in.

   "Yes?" he answered. I looked up through the curtain of hair that surrounded my face, the tears still streaming, as I squeezed MJ's hand.

   "I'm so sorry about the accident. Your sons condition, however, is fatal. He received major injuries to both his brain and skull, and suffered large amounts of blood loss. We have tried what we can, but his injuries are beyond repair. I'm so sorry, you're free to stay as long as you'd like, but he may only have minutes left. Feel free to call if you need anything." she then walked out, MJ's father following the nurse out to call his mother, who at the moment was in Washington state visiting family.

   MJ laid there for awhile longer, barely breathing, suffering.

At exactly eleven-thirty-six PM on November 14th, 2010,

Murphy James Wolfe was pronounced dead from brain damage.

   The moment his heart stopped, I felt as if mine did too. I cried, and a big part of my insides died. I hugged him one last time, kissed his cold, hard lips, and slowly and carefully removed the amulet he wore everyday from his neck, knowing he would want me to have it. I could still hear the song in my head. All that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see. 

   As said by Murphy himself, "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure."

R.I.P.

M J W

2-14-96

11-14-10

Son

Brother

Friend

I love you, and I'll never forget you.

~Love, Always and Forever, Your Bex

Thoughts Of The Day #2

   My mind is a mess, it's like my own personal prison. I hate it. I feel like I can't escape, like it's this person who captured me, and won't let me go, and enjoys torturing me. Honestly, I don't always feel alone inside my head. That's a very scary thing. I still hear that name and see that face and all the things that remind me of that person, and its like my head wants me to suffer, with all the constant reminders of that person everywhere I go. I hate how the marks humans leave are too often scars...

   Recently I've been exceedingly stressed out. My breakdowns have come back and I'm getting worse again. they happen often, and it's terrible. My chest tightens, I have trouble breathing, the world around me darkens and I have to hold my sides to keep from falling apart. I'll often go hide somewhere for an hour or so, so no one has to see or feel my pain. And they happen more and more often, they are now coming on bi-weekly. The other day at my aunts, I cried on the bathroom floor for an hour. Last night I sat up in the dark and cried for 2 hours while my friend soundly slept beside me. He has no idea of the pain I truly feel on the inside, no one does... I don't really want this particular life...

   My mother and I got into quite the fight the other day, this one was much worse than many of the others we have had. I fear our relationship at this point is beyond repair, and I'm sad for that, but at the same time I'm not. She pushed me away and caused me pain for so long, I almost don't want to go back. I'm willing to admit I HATE her and everything she is. I mean, I will always love her, but in the sense that 'she's my mother and I have to' not in the sense that I want to or that I like her as a person. I honestly can't wait till the day comes when I have turned out to be much more successful than she has, and I can stand up stronger, taller, and a much better person than her.

   I think this is a difficult thing to talk about with people, because they don't understand the "family" I grew up with. I had to grow up at an early age, and I had to care for my sibling when no one else really was. I've been neglected and abused. Sometimes I honestly don't even feel as If I have a true family. I mean I can pick out a few relatives who I love with all my heart, but it's not many. I don't have what others do. My spouse will never meet my 'parents' if thats what I have. I'll never truly have a dad. And those are some of the things that hurt me most. 

   Love has been the most difficult place for me... I know I want my forever, but I fear no one will ever be right for me. I keep getting abandoned and hurt and I'm tired of it. I hate it. And what makes it so much harder is that so many are trying. There's the guys and the girls, some close and some far, and I've left my heart open. But it's so hard to decide now, because I'm so afraid I'll make the wrong choice and I'll get hurt again. What am I supposed to do?

   I recently hear someone say "Whatever you do in life will be insignificant."

   That's bullshit, that's exactly why it's very important that you do it anyway because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you're nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make them yours, forever. 

   It's things like this and choices in my life that I'm struggling so hard with. and the one question I've been asked most that I'm still trying to figure out...

Who Are You, Really?

You are not a name,

or a height, or a weight,

or a gender.

You are not an age,

you are not where

you are from.

You are your favorite books,

and the songs stuck in your head.

You are your thoughts,

and what you eat for breakfast

on Saturday mornings.

You are a thousand things,

but everyone chooses

to see a million things

that you are not.

You Can't Change The Stripes On A Tiger

The Epiphany 

I just realized,

how much has changed.

In the last year,

I lost a lot of people.

I lost a lot of my friendships, 

and the people who say,

"I'll always be here for you"

ended up leaving. 

People really do change in a way,

but I've recently learned to accept you can't change

who they truly are, even if you want to.

You can't change the stripes on a tiger. 

I guess that is just how life works.

Maybe it's why something inside,

is hurting me-

That's why i need cigarettes,

or a drink,

or music turned up so loud,

I can't fucking think. 

And I can no longer sleep well,

not without seeing that face,

or hearing that name,

or waking to crying, screaming pain.

That's why I stare at the ceiling,

for hours on end, in the dark,

just wishing to go back and change time,

but I can't.

Nothing will ever be right again, 

I know that now...

What is this???

  Tonight I had an amazing time, I smiled, I didn't feel so alone, I laughed, everything was just perfect, but what even was it? I can't even decide if it was completely wrong or exactly right, I just know it's what I needed to feel better. My depression was really bad until this, I felt happy for a moment. I forgot about Her, if only for the time being. And even though She still comes to mind all the time I'm trying to make it better. I know she misses me, she told me so, and I'm not afraid to admit I miss her too. Despite knowing it will never work, I still almost have the ambition to try....

   I know I'm being mysterious, and I apologize for doin so to my readers, but I choose not to dispel the details of my private affairs. All that is needed to know is that I had an amazing night for once, I just don't know if it was right. 

   Maybe it would help if I sobered up from the alcohol pumping in my veins, but even though the vodka may burn my throat, the thought of how Her hands used to feel burns me so much worse, and the vodka keeps me from feeling so much pain. 

   And on a side note, Denny's has great lemon meringue pie. It was delicious. 

   You once told me something along the lines of this:

   "Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch" Is that true for everybody, or is it just poetic bullshit? 

A sticker She gave me... I love it....