Him vs. Her

Daydreams and Nightmares

   I thought I was done having to deal with Him. But now He is haunting my dreams and turning them into nightmares. I still see Him sometimes and it kills me. I have to look away most times or crack a snide joke while passing His house. There are a million reminders of our time together all around me, it makes me think of the book we are reading in English World Literature, 1984 by George Orwell. In the novel they talk about the government as being inescapable, with the famous line "BIG BROTHER IS ALWAYS WATCHING." It almost feels like propaganda, they way He gets in my head. It's terrifying, deathly terrifying. I'm so scarred because of him, I can't escape. I still look at the shadow of where his name was carved into my arm everyday, I'm not over it and I never will be, and that's crazy to think one person could affect me so much. But even writing these words is painful, admittance of my vulnerability and strongest weakness.
   Last night I had a dream, that for a moment I was back in His arms, and had forgotten about how things are now. We had become friends again, we were talking and laughing and smiling, and then the moment I mentioned my girlfriends name I almost lost it. It had seemed obvious in the dream that He still loved me, but I was afraid. I will not deny that I love Him, but things are different now and He is gone. At that moment I had asked where His intentions with me lay, what does this mean? What is happening between us. He sighed and said:

   "I was wrong to let you go, and I'm so sorry for that. I intend to make this right and to win you back. It took me a long time and a lot of pain to realize this, but I now know you're the one."

   At that moment I awoke with a scream and tears streaming down my face. It's like He is always in my heart and head toying with my emotions and triggering both my PTSD and depression. I don't know what this dream was meant to say.
   I do love my girlfriend very much, and I've even thought about marriage, but I don't want to rush things. I finally want to get one right, I can't afford another one of my infamous fuck ups.
   So yes, I do still love James, and I always will, but there is room in my heart for more than one, I love Brenna too. I strongly believe in the ideal of loving more than one person, I've experienced it like no other, and it is entirely possible.