"And my heart believes that but it's my head that refuses to."
"Why not?"
"Because everyone who ever said they'd never leave me did."
This is the terrifying truth that crushes me. I'm afraid, and that's hard to admit. I have anxiety, I worry. I have PTSD, it reminds me too much of my past. I don't want to lose you because you mean so much to me, more than I ever thought you would.
What if you move too far away?
What if I can't see you?
What if we start fighting?
What if we can't beat the stereotype of long distance?
These are the questions that haunt my thoughts and dreams, day in and day out. I am trying to stay strong for you my love, but my subconscious is tearing me apart at the seems. Sometimes I wish I could see the future, to know what will be, because not knowing, that's what terrifies me most.
Can someone just tell me what to do so I'm not afraid anymore?
It's gotten to the point where my chest hurt and I cry, sometimes I can't even move. My fear is turning me into a deer in the headlights, I feel as if I'm frozen and can't do anything to stop from being hit. And soon it will hit, because the future always come faster than you expected or faster than you want it to.
I see you everyday at school, I see you after school as much as possible, what am I gonna do when that's gone? I'll admit it, I'm clingy, though I'm glad to see you seem to like it. But what will I do if and when you're so far that I can't cling to you? Everyday I'm afraid of losing you, even being so close I fear someone else will realise how truly amazing you are and take you away from me.
Dealing with my fear is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I still can't handle it......
No comments:
Post a Comment