Thoughts Of The Day #2

   My mind is a mess, it's like my own personal prison. I hate it. I feel like I can't escape, like it's this person who captured me, and won't let me go, and enjoys torturing me. Honestly, I don't always feel alone inside my head. That's a very scary thing. I still hear that name and see that face and all the things that remind me of that person, and its like my head wants me to suffer, with all the constant reminders of that person everywhere I go. I hate how the marks humans leave are too often scars...

   Recently I've been exceedingly stressed out. My breakdowns have come back and I'm getting worse again. they happen often, and it's terrible. My chest tightens, I have trouble breathing, the world around me darkens and I have to hold my sides to keep from falling apart. I'll often go hide somewhere for an hour or so, so no one has to see or feel my pain. And they happen more and more often, they are now coming on bi-weekly. The other day at my aunts, I cried on the bathroom floor for an hour. Last night I sat up in the dark and cried for 2 hours while my friend soundly slept beside me. He has no idea of the pain I truly feel on the inside, no one does... I don't really want this particular life...

   My mother and I got into quite the fight the other day, this one was much worse than many of the others we have had. I fear our relationship at this point is beyond repair, and I'm sad for that, but at the same time I'm not. She pushed me away and caused me pain for so long, I almost don't want to go back. I'm willing to admit I HATE her and everything she is. I mean, I will always love her, but in the sense that 'she's my mother and I have to' not in the sense that I want to or that I like her as a person. I honestly can't wait till the day comes when I have turned out to be much more successful than she has, and I can stand up stronger, taller, and a much better person than her.

   I think this is a difficult thing to talk about with people, because they don't understand the "family" I grew up with. I had to grow up at an early age, and I had to care for my sibling when no one else really was. I've been neglected and abused. Sometimes I honestly don't even feel as If I have a true family. I mean I can pick out a few relatives who I love with all my heart, but it's not many. I don't have what others do. My spouse will never meet my 'parents' if thats what I have. I'll never truly have a dad. And those are some of the things that hurt me most. 

   Love has been the most difficult place for me... I know I want my forever, but I fear no one will ever be right for me. I keep getting abandoned and hurt and I'm tired of it. I hate it. And what makes it so much harder is that so many are trying. There's the guys and the girls, some close and some far, and I've left my heart open. But it's so hard to decide now, because I'm so afraid I'll make the wrong choice and I'll get hurt again. What am I supposed to do?

   I recently hear someone say "Whatever you do in life will be insignificant."

   That's bullshit, that's exactly why it's very important that you do it anyway because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you're nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make them yours, forever. 

   It's things like this and choices in my life that I'm struggling so hard with. and the one question I've been asked most that I'm still trying to figure out...

Who Are You, Really?

You are not a name,

or a height, or a weight,

or a gender.

You are not an age,

you are not where

you are from.

You are your favorite books,

and the songs stuck in your head.

You are your thoughts,

and what you eat for breakfast

on Saturday mornings.

You are a thousand things,

but everyone chooses

to see a million things

that you are not.

Loosing Control

I was lying in bed this morning

and all of a sudden

I got this really sharp pain

right by my heart.

I felt like I was

getting stabbed in the chest.

It lasted for about fifteen seconds.

My thoughts were racing

and I was trying to breathe heavy

to get it to go away

and I thought I was going to die.

This is the part

where it applies

to every single one of you.

I've tried to take my life before,

I've wanted to die

so many times in my life,

but when I felt like something

was going to kill me

without my control,

all of those thoughts stopped. 

In my mind

I was begging I would be okay.

No matter how much

You hate the world,

No matter how much

You hate yourself,

there are answers

that are better than death.

Believe me.

There are people that love you.

I love you, for crying out loud.

There are people

who would be a wreck

if you were gone.

There is a reason

we are all on this earth,

I promise you,

even if you don't see it now.

If you're feeling alone,

know that the world

can be a lonely place

but it would be lonelier

without you in it. 

I know some people may decide not to believe these words coming from me, hell, even I'm having trouble with that. I still don't see the point in my life, but I've learned to accept that others need me here, so I mustn't be so selfish. The pain I may feel is unbearable, but doing that to others, in my eyes, is way worst.

Know if you ever need a helping hand or just need someone to talk to, I am here for you.

~Beck Jenkins 1(210)848-2468

You Can't Change The Stripes On A Tiger

The Epiphany 

I just realized,

how much has changed.

In the last year,

I lost a lot of people.

I lost a lot of my friendships, 

and the people who say,

"I'll always be here for you"

ended up leaving. 

People really do change in a way,

but I've recently learned to accept you can't change

who they truly are, even if you want to.

You can't change the stripes on a tiger. 

I guess that is just how life works.

Maybe it's why something inside,

is hurting me-

That's why i need cigarettes,

or a drink,

or music turned up so loud,

I can't fucking think. 

And I can no longer sleep well,

not without seeing that face,

or hearing that name,

or waking to crying, screaming pain.

That's why I stare at the ceiling,

for hours on end, in the dark,

just wishing to go back and change time,

but I can't.

Nothing will ever be right again, 

I know that now...