Loosing Control

I was lying in bed this morning

and all of a sudden

I got this really sharp pain

right by my heart.

I felt like I was

getting stabbed in the chest.

It lasted for about fifteen seconds.

My thoughts were racing

and I was trying to breathe heavy

to get it to go away

and I thought I was going to die.

This is the part

where it applies

to every single one of you.

I've tried to take my life before,

I've wanted to die

so many times in my life,

but when I felt like something

was going to kill me

without my control,

all of those thoughts stopped. 

In my mind

I was begging I would be okay.

No matter how much

You hate the world,

No matter how much

You hate yourself,

there are answers

that are better than death.

Believe me.

There are people that love you.

I love you, for crying out loud.

There are people

who would be a wreck

if you were gone.

There is a reason

we are all on this earth,

I promise you,

even if you don't see it now.

If you're feeling alone,

know that the world

can be a lonely place

but it would be lonelier

without you in it. 

I know some people may decide not to believe these words coming from me, hell, even I'm having trouble with that. I still don't see the point in my life, but I've learned to accept that others need me here, so I mustn't be so selfish. The pain I may feel is unbearable, but doing that to others, in my eyes, is way worst.

Know if you ever need a helping hand or just need someone to talk to, I am here for you.

~Beck Jenkins 1(210)848-2468

You Can't Change The Stripes On A Tiger

The Epiphany 

I just realized,

how much has changed.

In the last year,

I lost a lot of people.

I lost a lot of my friendships, 

and the people who say,

"I'll always be here for you"

ended up leaving. 

People really do change in a way,

but I've recently learned to accept you can't change

who they truly are, even if you want to.

You can't change the stripes on a tiger. 

I guess that is just how life works.

Maybe it's why something inside,

is hurting me-

That's why i need cigarettes,

or a drink,

or music turned up so loud,

I can't fucking think. 

And I can no longer sleep well,

not without seeing that face,

or hearing that name,

or waking to crying, screaming pain.

That's why I stare at the ceiling,

for hours on end, in the dark,

just wishing to go back and change time,

but I can't.

Nothing will ever be right again, 

I know that now...

What is this???

  Tonight I had an amazing time, I smiled, I didn't feel so alone, I laughed, everything was just perfect, but what even was it? I can't even decide if it was completely wrong or exactly right, I just know it's what I needed to feel better. My depression was really bad until this, I felt happy for a moment. I forgot about Her, if only for the time being. And even though She still comes to mind all the time I'm trying to make it better. I know she misses me, she told me so, and I'm not afraid to admit I miss her too. Despite knowing it will never work, I still almost have the ambition to try....

   I know I'm being mysterious, and I apologize for doin so to my readers, but I choose not to dispel the details of my private affairs. All that is needed to know is that I had an amazing night for once, I just don't know if it was right. 

   Maybe it would help if I sobered up from the alcohol pumping in my veins, but even though the vodka may burn my throat, the thought of how Her hands used to feel burns me so much worse, and the vodka keeps me from feeling so much pain. 

   And on a side note, Denny's has great lemon meringue pie. It was delicious. 

   You once told me something along the lines of this:

   "Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch" Is that true for everybody, or is it just poetic bullshit? 

A sticker She gave me... I love it....

~Life and Death~ (2012)

   Abagail Connor began her journey like everyone else has. She stood still on the sidewalk staring across the dangerous road, cars whizzing by at full speed. There was no choice, she had to proceed across, to live her life, and make it to the end.

   As she took her first steps, the cars kept coming, slowing at nothing, as if they could not see her. Moving slowly, one step at a time, she aged as she walked, with every five steps a year went by. The cars seemed to only get faster and faster, missing her by only inches.

   Suddenly, one hit. Abagail cried out in pain, as she bled in the street, now looking like an old woman. She was only a few steps away from the end. Her eyes searched the road for a what hit her, the license plate on the car read "Cancer". 

   Her mind scrambled to the thought, she would not let this stop her from reaching the finish at one-hundred. Resisting the urge to give up, she began to crawl, ignoring both the excruciating pain and the sirens in the distance. Fearing for her life, she hurried. Twenty feet away, ten feet, five. Stretching out, she touched the curb with her fingers, leaving a bloody stain. A smile stretched across Abagails face, her life was now complete. She lay motionless as she waited. 

   The ambulance swung around the corner, and came to a stop. Death overcame her as she was loaded into the vehicle. When the EMS was finished with its job, the workers entered the location of Abagail Connors final destination into the GPS, heaven.

What The Hell Can I Do?

   This past month or so has been extremely frustrating for me. I can't even sleep anymore because the nightmares I still have about James are getting more frequent and Worse, to the point where I'm afraid to simply sleep. I hate him, I hate how his presence haunts my life eternally and I can't rid him from my mind and my life, though we dont even talk anymore, I HATE IT!!!
   Alsio I swear it's like every time I ask someone in Rochester to hang out with me they are busy, or are probably just making up excuses because they don't want to. I was complaining to my friend Ryan about it, and he asked "what about your girlfriend?" and when I told him she lives in Texas he was confused. I had to tell him about Brenna and I breaking up which was upsetting, and then explain about my new girlfriend when he saw the picture of us together, because she looks like a guy. She is Transgender, like me, but male to female. She's pretty amazing, and we have history dating back to freshman year. She makes me one of the happiest guys out there, and she's always dying to spend time with me when I'm around, which is exactly why its killing me that I have to be so far away from my princess.
   I recently took a trip to San Antonio, my hometown, and I got to spend 2 weeks there. It was literally the best time I've had all summer long, and I highly doubt anything will happen to top that. I spent time with all my clost friends, I had a SUCCESSFUL party, not like my grad party where only one person showed. I got to see a bunch of old friends too and made new friends. I was busy everyday and every night I was there, so much so that I barely even got any sleep. The only bad thing that really happened was the fight with my mother which I'm over cause she doesn't know what she is talking about. And that's not me just being an angsty teen, she tried to tell me that I'm not transgender due to my choice to not get bottom surgery, and thats only because I'm scared and don't think it's safe. Not to mention that it's very expensive. But I'll probably change my mind about that in the future. SHE CAN'T TELL ME WHO I AM, ONLY I KNOW WHO I AM.
   Ugh, just the frustration of having to deal with that.
   Anyways, I did have an all around Amazing trip back home. I went to an arcade with my girlfriend and one of my best friends, I got a Perry the Platypus toy THAT MAKES THE NOISE! I got to do alot of driving which was nice (and minorly illegal) despite the fact that most of it was driving drunk people home cause I was the only sober one with the ability to drive (my friend tobin is only 17 and didn't drink, but he has never driven before). I was extremely happy and lucky to get to drive out to Seguine to see my best friend Dylan for the first time in over a year. I spent alot of time with my buddy DJuan. I took my girlfriend (thank goodness Amanda and Briana my non-blood sister was there to help) on her first girl shopping trip to get a swimsuit. I sat at McDonald's and saw my old favorite Manager Charles, and hung out with Homeless Tobin. I went to the movies several times, saw Inside-Out, Ted 2, Max, and Spy and a couple free morning movies. I gave a kitten (Nugget) a new home. I shot off fireworks twice and got to see my dad (I kinda had to stalk him to get to see him but oh well). I got to lay in bed with my best bud Jeramy and play video games. I got to spend time with his family, who is very much like family to me as well (which is still wierd to say considering mine and Jeramy's history... don't ask). I got to spend many nights cuddling with my girlfriend (amongst other activities).
   All together it made me super happy to be back home. Ive only been back in Rochester a little over a week and I once again hate it here. It's messing with my anxiety too. i just want to go home where I can be happy with my friends and holding my princess in my arms and being surrounded by my family and LOVE. I hate it here, I have very few friends, I'm never busy, I'm so bored and lonely and introverted I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO WITH MYSELF!!!!! I sit around and feel like a lazy ass all day cause I watch TV or play video games or draw. The only perk to so much free time has been getting to get a few personal projects done or further along. I'm only just now getting to be more productive cause I finally have access to the upstairs computer because my grandma isn't here to hog it. She left with my sister (who I was about ready to kill anyway so glad she's gone and I get a break), to take her back to Texas and she's gonna stay until NOVEMBER cause my aunt is having twins (which I find mildly disturbing). I now have the Study all to myself so I've been productive on the computer making video's and such, and applying for jobs so I can have something to do to get me out of the fucking house.
    I'm also dissappointed to realize I'll have to stay in Rochester a bit longer because of the fact that everyone wants me to go to college (though I still don't see the point nor know what I want to do) and I have to stay to get my last High school credit done. I was trying to make plans to move back home to my heart, but now I have to put that off, and I feel heartless.
   I just want sleep...
   I just want to forget him...
   I just want a friend...
   I just want her...
   I just want some fun...
   I just want to make memories...
   I just want something to do, to keep me busy...
   I just want a future...
   I just want a heart...
   I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.............

Better Roar Driving Radioactive Demon Mom's

Texas

I read this story online and thought it was hilarious! Hope you enjoy it too.